Long Awaited

Come Flail Away

Hard to believe it’s been more than a year since I graced this space with words and images, thoughts and feelings best left inside this gray, liminal space betwixt mine ears. When last I posted here, I was still working the worst job I ever had. Well, probably the second-worst, since I quit the Randall’s deli after only one shift that involved cleaning the chicken rotisserie oven. While working that second-worst job, I often turned to this blog as a plea for sanity, as a drowning man flails for purchase on some buoyant thing, something to keep him afloat. Now, I have a job I love, and far less need for flailing. Not that I let that stop me!

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The Thinker by Vilho Lampi

Today I have gone four months and 19 days without using cannabis. This is noteworthy because it is approaching the second-longest length of time I have ever gone without using cannabis. Not counting the years prior to my turning 18 of course. My entire adult life, I have rarely made it more than four months without my security blanket. It’s enough to make me feel fatalistic. The longest I’ve ever gone is eight months, and that was when I first entered recovery back in 2011-2012.

But I’m trying different things this time. I’m going to meetings, being transparent, working the steps (again), focusing on my mental and physical health. And learning to accept the hard days instead of running from them. Hence, the flailing.

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Speaking of flailing. What in the literal dog-days-of-Texas-heat-HELL were the Mavericks thinking in trading Luka “one-more-beer” Doncic? How do you trade away one of the top-five players in the league, someone with the potential to be in the top-five players EVER conversation? It doesn’t matter what you’re getting back. You don’t trade those type of players unless they hate you and go all passive-aggressive, demanding a trade. Even then, you trade every player, staffer, trainer, security guard, coach, and draft pick you have to make that player change his mind and love you again, before actually trading him away. Flabbergasted.

My daughter used that word in a text last night. Flabbergasted. Made me proud. She’s reading like I used to (still do, when the mood strikes), tearing through trilogies in days and moving on to the next. She’s on Hunger Games right now, and even were I getting Katniss Everdeen herself back I would never trade Luka!

But. I can’t be that mad. Because y’all know my Lakers fandom runs deep. I can stare in abject horror and empathize with my pal Rob and all the MFFLs while also being perversely pleased I get to watch that cherubic assassin in Lakers Blue and Gold for the rest of his career. Because you better believe he won’t be traded. Get used to this:

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However, flailing does not always equal failing. Flailing about in the kitchen often results in wonderful outcomes. To wit:

Dairy-free Fish Florentine

Ever have a bunch of wilting greens in a bag, sadly going soggy in the vegetable drawer? Do you hate wasting food as much as I do? Well, guess what! Wilty spinach is no barrier to creating a delicious, healthy sauce as a bed for some succulent sauteed fish filets. You could even use it for chicken, I bet. Here’s how it goes:

2 tbsp olive oil (or more! you’re an adult.)

1 onion (or 2 shallots)

3-4 cloves of garlic

1 cup or so of diced tomatoes (fresh is best!)

4 cups of spinach (baby or adult, or any greens really, aside from the really cruciferous variety — kale might be a bit too crunchy for this application)

1/4 cup broth

1/4 cup coconut milk

2 tsp corn starch (or other starch)

Various peppers (red flaked, cracked black)

Salt (duh)

1 tbsp nutritional yeast (optional)

PLUS

2-4 fish filets

1 tbsp butter or ghee

salt/pepper/spices for sauteeing

You’ll need a large saucepan with a lid for the sauce, and another pan for searing the fish. I like to prep the filets by coating them in salt, pepper, herbs, etc. If you have a nice seasoning or blackening blend, that works well. Liberally coat those thangs and let them sit in that salt a while. Don’t go stingy on the pepper.

Meanwhile, start like you start almost every other dish: with onions, oil, and garlic. Saute them with the red pepper till fragrant and juicy but don’t let ‘em burn. Add the tomatoes and listen to the sizzle. Put in some salt and pepper here too, and cook until the toms start to turn mush. Throw in your spinach, bit by bit. Stir it all up in the hot, oily mess so that heat can do its thing. The greens will start to wilt and shrink so keep at it. Once you have all your greens in you can cover the pan and mix the starch into the broth with a small whisk or fork. Pour this in along with the nutritional yeast and coconut milk. Mix it up well and let it simmer till the greens are tender, stirring every few minutes.

Now, fry your fish in butter. As much as you and your doctor are comfortable with. Once it’s done, throw it on top of the sauce, drizzle any butter left in the pan over the top of it all, and serve with some noodles or all by itself. Whatever makes you feel fancy. It’s good!

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I usually include a segment of prose in these missives but I haven’t revisited Barton in a while and don’t have the time or energy to edit a new chapter for you today. I have been flailing around in the writing arena these days too, working more on a memoirs-style, fatherhood journey kind of thing. I’m not ready to share any of that with you today either. I do have a poem I wrote on New Year’s Eve I can share. Let’s hope it resonates, and let’s hope my flailing leads me back to these pages before too long.

In place of need,

let us grasp for truth.

Let us search, dig deep,

uncover first things.

In place of fear,

let us dive in deep.

Let us speak in truth,

and welcome perfect love.